I don't wanna let you go..not yet... not so quick.. I haven't had enough of you.. I don't wanna have to wait, counting the days and minutes before we get a chance to meet again. We have said so many good-bye's but this one seems to be settling a gloom over my heart, something is telling me that this is final. But it can't be. I'm not gonna let you go so easily.

   A flower that has seen many storms, has faced the changes of the weather, has been through the rough and cruel cold and yet always survived. Wilting yet never dying completely now seems to be falling apart. Each fragrant petal.. falling a different path and leaving only a trace of its existence.. a slight memory and fading away at last... I'm trying to hold it in my palm but my efforts are all futile... Its slipping away like sand ... Taking a part of me along.. leaving me wretched...

   Kaisa lagta ha jab sab kuch mil jane k bad achanak chin jae... ap asmaan se pataal me aa girain... be-sar-o-saman... kisi bhole bhatke musafir ki tarah jis ki manzil kho gai ho...

   Kitni takleef hoti ha jab apki tamanain puri ho kar bhi adhori reh jati hn....

   The delicacy of  glass makes me want to break it, shatter it with my bare palms; to feel the pain of being broken... seeing the red mass drip to the floor, like the petals of a red  rose scattering as if the wind blows..

.
   To make the wind blow so hard that  tree's shake with fear, the sky turns dark and pelts the earth with heavy rain drops, and crystal tears glow on the tree tops...

   Today I'm feeling so good! My heart is light, I'm ready to fly away with the wind and reach the clouds. I even studied today with compassion! isn't that unbelievable??

   I spent a lot of time with myself and the good memories I have stored in the tiny brain of mine today! Life sure is wonderful if you wanna see it that way. It's all about our perceptions, we alone have the power to make life beautiful or miserable! But one can't always be in the same ecstatic mood all the time of course. I'm sure as death that even these sweet memories won't always be a source of happiness, sometimes I will miss 'em and get sad and at other times I will just be happy that once it was...

   I wish that the trip dad was planning and what I have in mind for it does really happen. If it goes as planned I will live my whole life in those 15 days and treasure the memory forever. <3
Talking of the trip reminds me of the last one. Wasn't it like the best-est best-est thing ever!! Well I guess I'm over doing it now, I can definitely think of a million n zillion of things that if not better were equally good!

    Some people come in our lives for such a small time but astoundingly leave behind such effects, memories  and blah blah that they are one of the most important things that ever happened to you. Like the people we met on the train, what was it? 27 hours I think? and yet it was a wonderful time.. *staring into space with that look on my face* And talking about the train reminds me of life itself! It's a journey similar to it, having good times and bad but on the whole it's a wonderful experience.

   And yeah while talking  about people who leave their imprints how can I leave out Arrats! Noway! Nobody can compete you, except of course M&M and yeah choi moi as well and maybe some other people , but that's totally different isn't it? yeah it is! So of course in the memories I revealed today Arrats had a major part and some other unnamed people too. I don't like the name Arrats =/ I'll think of another one, hmmm..

    Now my dear sis is interrupting my writing so I'll be back in a while! Dear words stay with me =)


   Hmmm.. so! We had this fashion show on Eid with a dress code of 'saree' :P it was so stupid that we really enjoyed it! I'm never wearing a saree again ! My cousins wanted to have another similar event again with sharara's. It would be fun I guess. I checked my mom's wedding sharara today but man it's so heavy! I'm not gonna wear that :O I'll think of something else I suppose. Lets see what happens. *excited*

    I have exams coming up in October and I'm TOTALLY UNPREPARED! Last year around this time of year I had covered at least half of the course but this time I haven't even made my notes yet :O What am I gonna do *wails* Allah please help me and you guys please pray for me. And I think I should go study instead of waste time here on my bekar blog =/ see ya later.

 


   Muted prints in the sands of times... faded words of great grandeur... old things priceless like vintage... forgotten lands... dreams of man... and death ended all plans...

   Twinkling eyes... lips curved in smiles... joyous sparks emitting from life... a seconds break... the twinkling is replaced...  the smile dulls...  joy escapes...

   I thought I was finally over you but I guess I'm not. Your not one of those people I can forget easily. Time, space and other factors come in between but my feelings are above such things . Though you are mostly a memory for me now, but even the memory is so livid that I confuse it with reality so often. How i wish it was real.. But wishes are just wishes and they are better to remain that way.

   I am really scarce on words nowadays so this much will do...Miss you..

   Tolerance is something I now lack, for 'limit' is a word foreign to you. With too much pressure even the oceans overflow, then how can a human like me stay composed? Either I drown in the sea of sorrows and lie at the bed among the dark and cold, or I thrash and storm and blood is spilled. When you weren't here, there was calm and peace now nowhere.



   This suits my mood,

How come i don't fear?

Cause there is no one who cares.

Whether I live or I die,

for you I'm just a passer by.

  


   Sometimes the mere thought of being alone haunts you. Your life, your thoughts become so unbearable you crave company. Anyone... anything.. to cling on.. to save yourself from the terrible loneliness...to escape your own mind. In doing so you sometimes forget that others have a life of their own, No one can be there for you all the time. So you shouldn't expect it and save yourself from being hurt.

   Sorry for neglecting your needs for mine.. sorry for being selfish and irritating...sorry...  

  


   Words~ What are they but mere utterance's of sound but the impact they have is astounding. They can make you smile, they can make you weep. If misunderstood they can break strong bonds.

it makes me freak.



~It has the power to wash away 
the destruction of storms!

  


   Loss~ Makes you fell like life has lost its meaning. There is an ache in you which just won't go away. You wanna lose yourself to get rid of the feeling.


What I lost
was more then I ever thought.
The pain it brought
was more then I ever got.
No matter what I did,
how much pleasure I sought.
It just wouldn't  let go
however hard I fought.

   Pain ~ Its cuts through your every bone like a hot scalding knife... No matter how much time passes the scars remain with you.. throughout life...Try you may but it never lets go..

It hurts beyond endurance
It hurts till life let goes
Cutting through every pore
bleeding till the last drop of blood flows

   Memories ~ Flashing in your mind at odd moments.. Making you sad when you are happy or happy when you are sad.... Never leaving your side...

Time goes on
but the memories remain
The laughter the tears..
All that was so dear...
Now out of reach
with just a breach
through which one can peek
and steal from the past
only memories that will last.

I know not
For what this I got
You won't explain
By it what will you gain?

Are you mad cz of some thing
did I do you wrong?
I'll be glad
if things turn around
to the way they were.
a few days back.


   Ewww!! Do you call this poetry!! It's rubbish! Not worth wasting your time. I sit down to write something and instead end up writing words that make no sense. Gah!

   Inside me there is a thirst only which poetry can quench.

I've written lots of things down on paper but at he moment I'm to lazy to type it out. *sigh* Bye!

All I ask for
is a few words
to bring me back
to what I was

All I need is
a little comfort
in the times of grief
to face the world

All I want is
a minute or two
from your busy schedule
All I ask for is
You...

   I just so badly wanna write some lines, and that's the problem! When I really wanna do something I'm at a loss and I fail to do. I'm sick of this 'writer's block' and so I'm just forcing words out no matter how absurd they sound.

   Does it still hurt ? Yes...it does. After everything I've been through surprisingly my heart survived, though battered and bruised yet still alive so of course it all still hurts. I wouldn't like to mention what does but it just does. But you know what the best thing is?!!! Even this beaten and broken life machine gets happy at the most odd moments. It still knows how to keep me smiling. The more it breaks the stronger it gets.

   So a heart break is also Allah's blessing. He prepares us for harder times to come so that we can endure it. This reminds me of a thing my young friend was talking about one day,

   'Agar zindagi main kabhi aapko koi pareshaaniyaan hon tou unnsey dar jana is not appropriate. Dekhein like, we all have heard of the tough training they provide you with in an army school. Why? Coz unhein andaza hota hai k borders pey, jahan pey ek soldier ki asal zaruurat hogi, wahan pey the conditions are very intense! Garmi, no food and water till miles then you are fighting against an enemy. Inn sab cheezoun ko madd-e-nazar rakhtey huey they give you some preliminary training k jab aap wahan jayein aur aap iss tarah ki kisi situation ko face karein, tou you can successfully be able to survive through it. And from what I have deciphered, Allah is doing the same with us. He is testing us through these small problems we have in our lives. He is actually preparing us for the bigger problems we might have to face in our lives kabhi. Like, a person wants to be a good soldier, he has the will to serve the army aur wo aisey hi baghair kisi training k maidaan-e-jang main puhanch jata hai. Do you think he will be able to survive there? Usski tou buri haalat hojayegi wahan ki rough conditions ki waja say. Abb agar hamarey uuper koi bari pareshani ek hi saath Allah taa'la daal detey, tou we would have lost hope and wouldn't have the strength to get our spirits high again,  right? Issi liyey hamein Allah taa'la chotey chotey imtihaanoun say guzaartey rehtey hain har roz, taakey hum uss barey imtihaan k liyey tayyar hojayein jo aagey zindagi main hamein face karna hai.'

    I agree with it. What else can be the reason but yeah sometimes it is also for this reason that we humans seek Allah's help, repent and ask for forgiveness. It is also an 'azmaish' to see how we cope with everything.

(some text missing) :p
 

    I try not to be seen.Why do I wanna hide in my shell away from the prying eye of people. To have my existence ignored and yet acknowledged at the same time. To be there yet not be. I wanna be missed? Want someone to tell me that my presence means something and is awaited for. I wanna be taken care of, to be protected from the scorching heat of the world. I wanna shoulder to cry on even when there is no reason for my tears. Someone to tolerate me in my worst moods.. Someone... Well since that someone probably doesn't exist I'd just rather shut up.

is make others cry!

Some people have this bad luck thing ties with them and they bring it on others along with themselves. Shouldn't such people just shut themselves up! There is enough chaos in this world without them creating  more problems at every step.


Enough optimism! It doesn't help in the slightest. What's the point of closing your eyes? The reality won't change only you will stay in the dark. Isn't there already abundance of darkness around? Just open your eyes to see the light and face the darkness you created =/

I wanna act again in some violent play. May it be good or bad I just wanna do it. It feels good to let go of yourself, come out of your shell, let your true being float into nothingness... be a free soul with no body to serve.. get into another character! Living some other persons life, speaking out and putting up a fight. Its nice for a change...

All you need in times of grief
Is a hug of love,
a whisper in your ear
telling you it's gonna be OK.
Urging you to hold on tight.
To be strong and keep up the fight!
Cz amongst the storm if you bow,
it will rip you apart as it goes.
Like an angry bull thrashing about,
if you fall you will be tread upon
reduced to mush as the world goes on!

   Lol!! This made me laugh! But none the less I'm putting it on paper (well not exactly paper but whatever you would call it :P ) so that I have something to laugh at later on when I need it! One can't always write sense. Nonsense is nice once in a while ;)

   Last night I stayed up late into the night. My friend had called me and we talked and talked and listening to her I realized (though i always knew but acknowledged it yet again) that every single being in this world has a huge mountain of problems and when you put your life in front of theirs you might appreciate just how great a life you are leading.

   This one just one thing that triggered me again cause for the last few days I have been really thinking about deep stuff. Man is the most ungrateful thing I have ever seen. Taking myself for instance, for the past few days I was upset about something and that made me realize that up till now I had been taking it for granted and now when I have to give it up I realize how much it was. Although even after giving it up I still wil have a lot more then many others but man is greedy, his desires are never satisfied no matter how much he gets he always craves for more.

   The world is going downhill, people are deprived from the basic necessities of life. They don't have a place to live, good food or clothes or any such thing. Compared to them we (I) are leading quite a luxurious life. We have a nice and cozy home, a wardrobe full of clothes and cupboards stacked of food and junkies yet we think we are deprived of so many things.

   A few days back I was at the hospital and I saw people suffering for so many diseases and injuries, handicapped, totally depebdent on others not able to do a single thing. We Alhamdolillah are in a good state and able to move about and yet we are always complaining that we have to work so much, i think being able to work is also a great blessing of Allah.When we work we remain healthy, we get hungry and eat , we get tired and are able to sleep peacefully. How much more ungrateful will we be? We should thank him for his countless blessings before we are deprived.

   I guess I haven't written things in context to one another but it will do for now.  

   In every humans life there are some sad periods but darkness never overcomes completely. There is a shadow somewhere, a slight beam of light, a twinkling star... But most people chose to ignore it and stay unhappy by dwelling on the darker side of things rather then holding on to the light! And the greatness of people!!! Even when everything around them is going perfect they have to spoil it by weeping over  the past sorrows and losses. Why don't we get a life and move on.

   Errmm... Sorry lost track of what I was saying :-$ *runs away*

Lame attempt at writing after a long time. How i wish I could write some real good things! *sigh

   I have decided to try to maintain my blog again. Its nice knowing that people out there are actually spending their time to read what you have to say! And I wanna feel good , so!! That's that!

   College has started and will you believe it  this year I'm taking even more less classes then last year =D . I was taking just Philosophy but today I decided to go to English Ad. as well but unfortunately today wasn't a good day to do that. Man, was the teacher in a sour mood! We'll be starting the drama "candida", i hope its not as boring as the novel we just finished  "Animal farm".

   I'm eagerly waiting for tomorrow, or well I was.. =/ Hope things go good! Will write about it tomorrow. No actually I won't have time so it will have to wait for another day! I like to keep my self in this fantasy that you care to read about things :)

   I wish I was written some nice poetry or at least some good prose instead of this rubbish *sigh*. but, "Words don't come easily". Maybe some other time....

   The images my mind creates these days... So beatuiful yet so tormenting...! The delicacy of flowers.. the morning dew shining like pearls. The bright and fresh colours! the wet grass.. the chirping of the birds.. the cool breeze..! The slight beam of sunshine creating a mesmerizing view...!!!!

   The sun burning the fragile petals... wilting them into nothingness.. engulfing the beauty of it... The breeze tuning furious, detaching the leaves.. throwing them mercilessly into the air.. tossing...! turning...! withering...! Everything perishes....

   If only I could paint this on a canvas... so heart breaking...


 ...... Bleargh!

   When words elapse you it is the time when the intensity of your feelings has gone beyond expression. Things left unsaid themselves tell a story. And in that story there are oceans of tears and hot lava bubbling and burning under the ground with no escape. When the ocean overflows Tsunami comes and when lava erupts people burn. Life comes to an end... All is silent... cold... dead...

Unwanted are your souls
cause I for myself now suffice
No words to say or feelings to pour
cause the gashes of my heart
have left a bottomless hole
and my sorrow no longer over flows
But in my voice at times you may see
the hint of rivers behind my eyes that roar.

 

   Sometimes the tears don't come and yet you still feel as if you have been crying for a very long time. The guilt of everything you have ever done burdens your shoulders and no matter how hard you try you can't throw it off. You carry it around until you fall, fall to the ground on your knees and beg God to forgive you.

   But things cling to you not willing to let go. No matter how long you repent the guilt remains. What could be a greater punishment then being so aware of the wrong, remorse is indeed the most powerful and painful feeling of this world but it will be rewarding in the other world. At least I regret it... that's the first step to goodness... and I believe once you start walking this path Allah will definitely assist you and help you throughout until you reach your destination.

With empty hands and barren eyes,
A man moves on from this domicile.
Regardless of the wonders he here achieved,
no power nor strength or status he takes.
but lies in the dust among his many more.
With deeds to bring light or burn his soul!

You know I had decided I wouldn't write anymore personal posts but your words really moved me to tears. I'm feeling so bad. I'm such a pervert. I really hate myself even more now.

You know you are great. Seriously, you are very nice and good. Way too good for any of us. It's an honour to have such a friend. And it's no true what you think. Trust me. :(:( And don't ever say any such thing again please??? Please :'(

I want to make you believe that you are worth a lot. But I'm just so so so sad and close to tears, You made me cry :( made me realize once again how bad I am... Its not you but the others who are not worth it.

...... :'(

When all the lights go out
I can see you shine like a star
you  take my hand
and help me out of the dark

But when it gets too bright
mistakenly I overlook you.
I don't want you to get lost
in this over brightness,
So now I treasure the dark!

   Sometimes your own self is sufficient for your needs. Or should I say nothing catches your interests any longer! Everything looses its charm. This world no longer seems to be your abode and isn't that true? It really isn't our abode or at least not the eternal one. Then why care for it? 
   Only if we realize and start the divine journey; will we really succeed. Our will be enlightened with Noor and never will we wander aimlessly in the dark!

   We humans are never thankful. No matter how much life has given us we always want more. Our desires never seem to be satisfied.

   When we are sad we long for happiness but sometimes while longing we miss all the happiness around us. Why are we - or should i say "I" so intent on being miserable.. =/ I should be content on what I have rather then dwell on what I want and can't get.
   So I have a paper on Saturday, English advance, for which I haven't prepared yet and I really don't have much time left.. but this is one subject I totally hate. Infact if I'm honest with myself I hate BA, I hate my college.. and maybe some other things too but why should I tell you =/

   Just pray for me guys! I was gonna write something else but this is what I ended up writing. And yeah! I'm really missing doing poetry and writing proper, long posts.. But for that you need something to write about and nowadays there is nothing going on in my life. It has come to a temporary stop. Hope it will start again soon =)

   My eyes opened to this rumbling sound. At first I didn't understand what it was then I felt the bed shaking but I really thought I was just running away with my imagination! I thought of waking sis up to confirm if it was real or not. But then I decided it didn't matter :O So what if its an earthquake? I might die, well big deal huh. Who cares. I'm really one mad girl. I'm so fascinated by death =/ I must be psychic.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler,long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the tother, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference.

                     -  Robert Frost

As I wait the lights fade,
darkness creeps over
time evades..
and yet there is no sign
of your long awaited return!

Your memories are still bright
the wounds still fresh
some hope still left
that you will be back...

The breeze ruffles my hair
the sun washes me in its light
the warmness of the day welcomes me
the flowers sing and the leaves dance
a aroma so sweet fills the vicinity

Blah blah blah.... :D

   It's just to show that I'm happy  but not in the mood of writing :P I have a paper on Saturday and I haven't started studying and guess what! I'm not sure I have the notes for all the questions I plan to learn and we don't have any course books so... now what?? I won't study! Simple :P hahaha. Kidding. I will insha'Allah in the evening. Pray for me all of you will you? Thank you :)

   And oh yeah. M&M won't be there in this paper... dreading it... just a bit... I don't really care. No, I mean of course I care about you M&M, what I meant was I'm not scared of being alone =/ I can face people on my own oh yes I can. huh :P

   And I'm thinking of changing my link maybe.. Will let you guys know if I do :) Bye

   Will you ever let me live in peace. Please stop making life hell. Please... I don't even have any anger left.. I'm feeling so... so dead.. helpless.. i have no strength left to argue, or to keep up with you... I feel finished.. used up now. I won't ask you to leave again..

   I think it's high time I left this world too.. the online world... I'm really at a loss.. I've never felt like this while writing.. I'm writing as if some really ill person.. one who is on his death bed is writing his last words... who knows maybe they really are...

   Well.. Allah hafiz..

   God! I'm getting so insufferable :O I'd better stay away.. Something provoke me and now I'm taking it out on the wrong people. Sick of myself... :(:( I'm sorry... Damn.. Ah! SORRY....

   Only if you learn to be contented you'll be happy. Be glad at whatever you had and treasure those memories of what you had as a means to happiness. Never let anything get to you. You have so many reasons to be happy then why ponder on the sad ones? It's senseless to do that. So guess what! I have no hard feelings. I'm happy for everything that was and that is.You are great and it will remain so. Thanks for when you were there and thanks for tolerating me now.

   Thank you for giving me such a nice friend and making me a bit strong :)

   Maybe a confused individual has no right to complain, after all you yourself give reasons to people to say or act the way they do. Anyone can control your life because you let them, you never take a stand, HELL with you.. :@ You deserve this.








  
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