Another day gone by. Another end.... The sun went down and the sky was orange.. fiery red.. and now it dark like the night...


   Black...

   Silent....


   Sad....

  
   Last night it rained in my world... like cats and dogs... leaving me drenched and chilled to the bone... But Alas.... i was unable to drown myself in it....
   It wasn't the first time, it wasn't the first end but it was the earliest end of a new beginning... and I hope I never feel that way again... It was like hell.. seriously.. I couldn't take it. It was killing me....

   Maybe she will be happy hearing this. She will be pleased to know I was broken... badly... cruelly... But maybe this isn't where it ends. I guess I have to go through a lot more. And still she won't be satisfied...never...


   I haven't got a single word to describe what I went through...And why should I tell you anyways...

   Imagination.... such a blessing!!! I don't know what to say.. so it's gonna be just pictures for today :-)






   It's such a big part of life. Just like hope...







 It can make you reach the highest of skies or dive in the deepest of oceans....


  

 It's just lovely :-) It makes life colorful !!!

 


 

   Today I feel happy!! really happy Alhamdolillah Masha' Allah  :-). I'm not on cloud nine but maybe somewhere near it :-D and thnx to M$M for it :-P and umm.. someone else :-"> LOL I think I'm sounding crazy!!!

   It rained today and guess what I actually liked it after a long time. Ok well I didn't feel that old pleasure but still it was something :-) I'm really liking this weather!! It's awesome. Hope winter comes soon!! Wanna feel the cold, the chills...

   I wrote a poem in the morning but it no longer suits my mood so I guess I'll not write it down today. Maybe some other day :-)

  *SMILES*

   I don't know what to write today. I'm quite blank. Come to think of it ain't I always? *sigh* I just can't come out of this silence.. Last night I started to feel so terrible for no reason at all. I just wanted to run away.. Go somewhere far where even I can't find myself. Where no one can reach me. But that's not possible.. *sigh*

   I tried to study today but just couldn't. I don't wanna give these papers. I wanna go. Somewhere... Anywhere... please ;( Take me away....

   I don't know what im feeling today. For a moment I feel so happy but then the next moment things are just the same as before. My spirits are rising and falling. When I think about the conversation with that old friend of mine ;an extreme happiness fills me but this feeling just doesn't last for long. I'm hopeless case now. *Sigh*

   I think I'm through with being what I was. Now this is another start. But how can this be the start? It seems to be the end! I never got a chance to start all over again...

   Life changes and so have I. Time passes and so did I, leaving the old me behind and now there is no turning back... i was shy and so I didn't speak much but now words seem to have left my side. i liked silence but now it terrifies me. It now seems to prevail in the very core of my bone. It comes everything engulfing me... suffocating me... I have nowhere to run.. nowhere to hide...I'm just terrified..

   Today I had a great start. I got a pleasant surprise this morning when I woke up!! A long lost friend contacted me!!! :-) It felt really good talking to her. It cheered me up :-) And I'm still smiling.

   I went to college today. And guess what I had fun there too!! WOW!! It's been such a long time since I meet M&M so we had fun, talking and laughing our heads off. It's been so long since we talked like this :-) or I feel so..

   Even she was good. It was nice being with her. But.. when we were sitting together I don't know why.. but I started to feel invisible or maybe .... I realized how insignificant our existence is. We are nothing.. totally nothing... Who knows we might not even be alive the very next moment... Then what are we fighting for? this life isn't forever... Then why do we rely on it so much? Why do we leave things for some other time? What if that time never comes? What if today is your last day.. what if you don't get time to fix things with someone..just don't leave it on tomorrow. Do whatever you can today. Be nice and make people happy. Bring smiles to there faces so that this is how you will be remembered even after you are gone...

   Don't know why I was thinking about all this...But I just was...

   Anyways I had an awesome day today just as someone wished :-D Thank you :-)

   I had to go to college today. We were supposed to get our result today. But mum and dad told me not to go because of the present situation of the city. I tried to persuade them to let me go even though I didn't have my heart in going. But still I tried for her I really tried but they didn't let me. But I know she is never gonna believe me. She'll just think I didn't want to meet her or whatever it is she thinks.

   I hate giving explanations now. It gets so irritating giving reasons for everything you do especially when you know the other person won't give a damn to what you are saying. It is said " Never explain. your friends don't need it and others won't believe it".

   I don't know what else to say. I'm just feeling angry or maybe helpless. I wish she would start putting some trust in people. Life would be so easy that way....

   I have always relied on my instincts since last year. They almost always proved to be right. This afternoon I had this feeling that something bad is gonna happen tomorrow.. Ummm... Well I felt as if it is going to be the last day of my existence on this earth. 

   Then I fell asleep and had this dream. I don't know if I should be telling this. Hey M&M for the first time i dreamed of me going before you. I wanna tell you what I saw.. But maybe later... But I realized how many people would get badly hurt...

  Part of me is dreading what might come tomorrow and the other half of me is waiting in anticipation. Don't wanna say anymore...

   You know from instincts I remembered my coaching days and just the memory of it made me relax to quite an extent. :-)

   Waiting for tomorrow and what fate brings ....

   Last night I deleted my facebook and twitter accounts. I was deleting my blog too but courage failed me. I was already feeling like having been cut with knives and daggers.. and I just couldn't manage it. Thank God I didn't delete this. I would have gone insane.
 
   But I'm missing everyone like anything. Facebook was my only connection to all those cousins out there and now I've lost it. Twitter was the only thing that made me smile and now I have deprived myself of it. I'm a wreak now... A total wreak... I was crying last night so badly as if I had lost someone dear or probably everyone. It was the worst night of my life.

    I'm missing you.. but I don't know if I'm being missed by you guys too. Hey M&M I'll always miss those fights, the bickering between you and MA :-D It was fun listening to you guys. He he he :-P Well it was fun listening to everybody. :-) ......

   I've wanted to die before but never this badly. The feeling is so intense today it's overpowering every other thought. But it's not my life to give away.. So I'll just have to live it one way or the other...

   You were right maybe I should have waited a few days, but after all those things you said I felt satisfied and at ease while deleting my account. But now I'm not.. But whats done is done. There is no heading back. I can go back and I want to but maybe I won't... .

   Sorry M&M, Don't be angry at me. I love you. You were telling me to stand up? But when have I ever stood? I am supposed to be walked on again and again that's my fate.. I know you'll get angry at this... But this is how I see myself... If you can help me change then just keep trying.. Maybe one day...

   Well.... There is nothing left in my life now.. I might not write for a few days either... BYE...

   Life never remains the same. Constant changes are a part of this universe. As time passes things change and so do people. Some times these changes are slight and go unnoticed by many. But sometimes a person goes through such a situation that it changes his whole life.

   When situations get out of control and we can't find any way to resolve the conflicts,When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

    Even the most longed changes we bring in our life have there own melancholy. What we leave behind was once a part of us and so leaving it means dying in a way.

    We bring changes when we are hurt and desperate to get away from the life we have been living. At that time we are sometimes not able to see that the change we brought is heading towards worse from bad. But it is said that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place. So the change is a relief in anyway.

  Those who are afraid of bringing changes in there life are never successful.

     Today since morning my mood is very elated. I'm feeling great after such a long time like a decade or so!! I really want to thank you all for being understanding and tolerating my bad moods. Love you all.

 
      I know I hurt you while trying to make others happy and I failed miserably. Maybe because I was leaving you to do be good to others and that wasn't good. I'm sorry. Really I am and you know it. I love you. never leave me. You are the only thing that's holding me together keeping me from falling apart. But i fear to lose you. I can live through this but believe me I can't live through that. Just stay with me always...

   People used to know me for my smile.. I was known as the "smiley face". but if you guys see me now you wouldn't ever guess that I'm that same Sarah..

  Like everything else my smile has also died.. All around me people are laughing but I can't see what the joke was? What's so funny? I can't laugh then maybe I should cry?? But there isn't anything to cry about either. My eyes are completely dry.. then why am I so lost and sad?

  I don't mean anything to anyone.. nobody cares. It's a selfish world. Every soul is alone and in search of someone.. Every soul is wounded and is the reason for wounding someone's soul as well. Everyone is hurt.. But I'm beyond all this now.. Nothing can touch me anymore..

  What is life? It's a strange question isn't it? Everyone knows what life is. But do they really know? Everyone lives it. But do they really live?

  This is life how i saw it. This is life how I lived it and this is how I know it...

  "When I first opened my eyes, I saw you smiling at me. A sweet fragrance of happiness filled the air.. People everywhere were nice to me and always willing to help. I was happy. It was spring.

  Time passed and summer came. I would play around in the heat regardless of anything. There were no worries. Life was fun!! I had a great time. I played and fooled around all day and slept soundly and peacefully at night. All was well.

  But happy times don't always remain.Summer faded away and autumn took it's place. The flowers wilted and happiness withered. Leaves dried and and the winds cruelly detached them from the trees. A feeling of despair hung in the air... alone and abandoned I stood... Wiping my tearz as the winds shook me.

  It is still autumn. Yearz have passed but it hasn't changed. Oh!! How I long my Spring had been eternal... But..."




When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"




*SIGH... *

  I've always heard that when the soul leaves the body the person dies.But I've come to learn that this is not at all true. A body can still live without a soul... live and not be alive.. he can see but not feel... he can hear but not listen... he can look but not see... he appears to be on this earth moving about.. but have you ever wondered if the person in front of you, who seems to be like any other normal person, is really alive? Is his soul still with him or is he just a body moving around with nothing left,waiting for death to come and find him...

 No! why would you notice? why would you care to spend your precious time thinking about others. It's just YOU that matters and hell with the rest of us. Am I right? Isn't that true. Ask yourself and tell me.. how many times have you been considerant for the one before you ... how many times have you cared... or have you ever thought that you may be the reason for this persons living death...

  One lonely night, I was lying in bed deep in thought. A sadness was gripping my heart, an unknown grief  was weighing me down. Wanting to get rid of this feeling i decided to visit the graveyard Where lied my dear ones.. I entered and saw thousands and thousands of graves; a name and date etched on each. Most of them were rusted and some were even falling apart. I walked through until I reached a grave in the very heart of the grave yard. it was shinning and ever new. Time had not been able to rust it.

  I stood there unable to move, staring down at it. An emptiness an extreme hollowness over came me. I knelt down beside it with tears flowing down my face onto the grave..
 I cried out in agony and very surprisingly  heard an answering cry... a desperate voice calling to me... It crushed my heart... I wanted to go to her, to ease the pain.. but there was no way.. and so I sat there and wept...

I wept and wept and then you came to end this pain.. All my wounds healed, the grave yard- the graveyard of my memories- was filled with blossoms of spring... but even now in amid all the colors there lies a tomb in the heart of my heart still ever new... and whenever I pass that grave; I hear a voice.. A desperate cry... calling me.. and it makes me sad..:(

PS: never wanted you to leave..

Hum yunhi apni zindagi ki sham kardainge...!!!

The first time I wrote some poetic lines was quite a few years ago. i had a paper the next day and I was studying. I didn't have my mind on poetry or anything but the words just came to me in a flash and I wrote this down

Today was again a great day. At least it is still going great:) and I hope it will continue this way:)

   I have this poem going over and over in my head since morning. Its just an ordinary poem but i don't know why I'm finding so much meaning in it. I've been humming it all day and I even recorded it!


  It's nothing but i just cant get it out of my head. It's giving me inspiration :-D

LOST...

  BROKEN....

TEARS...

 DEAD!!!

I was just sitting today. I couldn't study.. And so i decided to write.. i wrote whatever came to my mind. Its not good but it's something..

You broke me for the millionth time..
Broke and shred the last piece of me left,
Threw me away like a rag and
said Good-Bye..
And this time
i didn't cry!!

I'm never gonna come back
you can bet,
This is all you are ever gonna get

I wish i could die
die right now..

To end all this hurt
to make you feel the loss...
i wish after death
there could be some way
for me to find out
what you have to say..

But come to think of it!!
Ain't I already dead?
And I did hear all you said
"I hate you",
"Wish you great pain and hurt",
"May every bad fate come your way"
 ...............
But I used to hear
you don't talk ill of those who died..
Was it just a big fat lie?

Or was I that bad,
and this is what I deserve?
Yes!!
That sounds better
This is just what I deserved..

Then why am I sad?

But wait.....

Am I sad?
I'm not in pain
I cant feel a single thing!!

Oh!!
But how could I forget
i am dead!!
And the dead aren't supposed to feel this way..


For me it's over
Life has end
So chill my dear!
No one is ever gonna hurt you again........!!!!!!

 What is next to ecstasy?
 
  "Pain"

  What is next to pain?

  "Nothingness"

  What is next to nothingness?

   "Hell"
                                                                                                                                      (peer-e-kamil)

      I've been through the pain and now nothingness. I don't feel happy, i don't feel sad. i don't feel pleasure, I cant feel the pain.. What is this... I'm tired and sick of this feeling. I hate it. i want to feel something... anything.... even pain will be welcomed.. Just let me feel again. Please.
     I'm tired of being alive and yet dead.. Let me live or make me die!! Don't keep hanging in between.. in nothingness...

     What is life? It is a mixture of different emotions, feelings and many other things. Life is full of contrast and it is best that way.
     Sometimes we are happy and sometimes we are sad. We get happy only because we know what being sad is. Someone who is unaware of sorrow wont know the pleasure of being happy. If you are sad don't worry, happiness is just around the corner. If darkness is engulfing you don't lose hope, dawn is just about to break through. If someone has left you don't cry.. a better someone must be on his way..

   So never lose hope. Don't let this despair get to you. Be optimistic, keep your spirits high and you will live through this hard time and at the end of this path you will find happiness waiting for you with a warm welcoming smile:)