Some times such things happen that you just can't explain, even to yourself. You don't always know the reason to why you are doing most of the things that you do. Sometimes you feel happy for no reason, your heart seems to be in place and pumping blood through your veins and giving you life. But at other times you are sad without there being any reason to it. The heart is still where it always is it's just that instead of blood it is pumping venom through your veins taking you nearer to death.

   When the ratio of venom increases and the amount of blood decreases then you become just what I have become. This is what happens then. I don't think I need to explain this any further... I know you can understand... and those who don't... well I don't have words... I don't know how to express feelings. Maybe one day as I hope I will reach that stage when my words will be able to reflect the pain in me. But for that I might need to endure more...

   I couldn't sleep last night. I just wasn't feeling good (like always:P) so I texted my friends. M&M was kinda busy because she was at a "dawat" so well I talked to another friend. It was nice but then I started to feel bad for my friend too. Well then I just ran out of random things to talk about and yeah I didn't want to eat anyone's brain :P so I just closed my eyes and tried to sleep. But well like I said, yesterday wasn't my day. I was feeling bad because of some things that went on between both my young friends and then felt concerned for Arrats too.

   As a result of this sleeplessness I slept late into the morning (after having breakfast) and my luck was good Mum and Dad weren't at home and sis was busy studying so no one disturbed me and I slept peacefully. Then i forgot to send my usual good morning message to M&M and Winsome. I didn't actually forget, I just couldn't remember whether I had said good morning already or not.

   I then tried to study but alas.... :( my mind wasn't ready to accept anything so I gave up. Thought of sleeping again but just remembered I had to wash the dishes and kneed the dough. After finishing my chores I wrote a post for my blog then again had to go to make "roti"

   Why am I giving so many details :O Well in short I just had a lazy day but then in the evening I was motivated to study so I went downstairs. I like studying in the open air its makes learning easier. And yeah I managed to stay away from twitter and MSN, well in a way I stayed away:P But I'm back for now. Don't know if I'll do the same again tomorrow. Meeting or talking to often is not good for a healthy friendship... so I have experienced. I feel things are going the same way? I don't want that to happen so for the sake of  friendship I'll try to stay a bit away? *confused*

   Like I know how to be a good friend or anything. Huh... Okay sorry. I'm not supposed to be sad. So ... Ummm.. I'm an awesome friend. Yes I am. Ask M&M if you doubt it :P

  Okay I think this much is enough since it's the second post of the day. I'd better go now.

   P.S Exams coming up and I don't feel like giving them *sigh*

Dear M&M

    I hope you are good. May Allah make you feel even better. (Ameen)

    You know I was just thinking,when Allah loves someone, He test's him to see how much faith that person has in Him. Have faith, don't fail Him.

    When a person sets his goals high, this world comes in his way trying to stop him from reaching his destination. But always remember, Allah is by your side. Don't let the words of these people dishearten you. Don't let courage fail you.

   Don't be burdened by the responsibility and expectations. Take it as an honour. You had the courage to take the first step it means you have the ability to take it to the end. You can do this!!!

   P.S When I think of you this "shair" comes in my mind. It fits you just great.

I came across a path
Difficult in the start
but rewarding in the end.
Courage was my friend
And so we started the walk forth.

Throwing hurdels aside
Keeping the spirits sky high
We traveled side by side

But Alas!! one day courage died
I was left alone with
power not enough to suffice
Then I saw hope and caught it
before it could hide

Back came the strenthg
and on went the journey divine
The path got thick
and by hope I was ditched.

Now again I'm alone
unable to go forth
not wanting to go back
And so I just sit
waiting for time to waste me away...

I see my heart fall to pieces
in front of my eyes
i see myself bleed
until I'm gone
I'm just a Shadow
or maybe a memory?
of what i used to be
I'm no longer living
I'm part of the dead
Where is my grave
I want to be laid
alone in the dark
with no one around
to see my tears
my fatal wounds
with no one to talk
just myself and my thoughts
  

P.S I haven't edited or reread it so, well sorry if it a torture for you to read. You don't have to read it you know.It's your own choice...

   Was reading some very old posts on Winsome's blog, they were so awesome, i mean so great, i really enjoyed reading them. I t was fun.*smiles* I was thinking, many years from now, when I someday come back and read my old posts, how good it must feel... And don't want to recall only my tears but my smiles too. I want to write about the good times.. those beautiful memories I shared specially with M&M.... So that when (if) I turn old, and our paths no longer meet, and my memory becomes weak, I can still recall those moments of joy, the laughter..the tears... and everything through theses pages...

  But I don't know why.. whenever I try to write this down, my hands stop working and my brain freezes over??? Why??? I want to save all it, I don't ever want to loose it. I had so much in my mind but I forgot all of it.. *sigh* Well I guess I'll have to try again later on...

  Today a friend texted me a poem I had written long ago. Back then I didn't really keep track of what I wrote. Anyways I liked reading it again. So here is how it goes:




You know what I feel
when you say all those things?
It stings my heart,
it breaks me apart
I forget to live,
to breath, to give

You accuse me then
how can I not live?
Have I no heart?
Do I feel no pain?
Is it only you who suffers in this game??

But why O why am I telling you this
I know my effort is in vain
You have never listened
nor will you ever
Only when I die
may you realize
It was never a lie...

1. How did you get one of your scars?
= I broke a "chori" when I was I guess 4, and got my first scar :P

2. How did you celebrate your last birthday?
= My friends gave me a surprise party :-)

3. How are you feeling at this moment?
= Lost =/

4. How did your night go last night?
= Like every other night.

5. How did you do in high school?
=  Good? I guess O K

6. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
= Am I supposed to remember this too ? O_o

7. How often do you see your best friend(s)?
= Often but not often enough :-)

8. How much money did you spend last month?
= Lost count :P

9. How old do you want to be when you get married?
= Errr..... ?

10. How old will you be at your next birthday?
= 20
Nine what’s:

1. Your mothers name?
= Mum :P

2. What did you do last weekend?
= Bored the hell out of me :D

3. What is the most important part of your life?
= umm.. Will have to think about this.


4. What would you rather be doing?
= Engineering =P

5. What did you last cry over?
= For no reason..


6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
= Nothing.


7. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
= Care.


8. What are you worried about?
= The life ahead!


9. What did you have for breakfast?
= Egg and Toast.


Eight you’s:

1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
= No,  Lol :P


2. Have you ever had your heartbroken?
= Hmmm...


3. Have you ever been out of the country?
= Yeah.


4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
= Ain't I always doing something dumb!! :D


5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
= Yes...


6. *********************



7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
= I haven't dated ANYONE


8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
= Million 's of times :-)
Seven who’s:

1. Who was the last person you saw?
= Saw my mum right now =P


2. Who was the last person you texted?
= It was M&M


3. Who was the last person you hung out with?
= My cousin's at the BBQ


4. Who was the last person to call you?
= Ermm... Can't remember


5. Who did you last hug?
= M&M


6. Who is the last person who texted you?
= She


7. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?
= M&M


Six where’s:

1. Where does your best friend(s) live?
= Pakistan.


2. Where did you last go?
= To my grand mother's


3. Where did you last hang out?
= The University I guess.


4. Where do you go to school?
= I don't


5. Where is your favorite place to be?
= None? :/


6. Where did you sleep last night?
= In my room on my bed, where else :/
Five do’s:

1. Do you think anyone likes you?
= Maybe... I hope so.. :-)


2. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
= Ermm Yes I do many times..


3. Do you know the muffin man?
= No?


4. Does the future scare you?
= Errr.. yeah...


5. Do your parents know about your blog?
= They don't fortunately =P


Four why’s:

1. Why are you best friends with your best friend?
= Because she is the best.. The "one"


2. Why did you get into Blogging?
= I wanted to vent out my frustration.


3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
= They didn't


4. Why are you doing this survey?
=  Because I have nothing else to write about and Arrats did this so I am too. :P


Three if’s:

1. If you could have one super power what would it be?
= Umm I would like to have the power to influence others and bring them on the right path.. But unfortunately I don't have that power and so I always fail... :-(


2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
 Yes I definitely would...


3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing, what would you bring?
My computer because that way I will be able to stay in touch  and also I could read E- books so no chances of getting bored or lonely :-)


Two would-you-ever’s:

1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
It depends on the state of my mind


2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
Well if that's the only way to save the "someone" then I will.
 
One last question:

1. Are you happy with your life right now?
Errr.. I wouldn't mind if life got a bit better :-)

Everything around me has come to a halt
Where to turn, what to do, who to talk
I haven't got a clue
The appeal for anything  is now lost
I'm not sad nor have any happy thoughts
my mind has i guess started to rot

This so small world seems now so big
since everything is falling apart
I don't understand who I am
And I know you don't either
Then why waste your time on someone unknown
with no hope of being found

Why don't you just go and leave me alone
cause its same in either way
I can't feel a single thing
whether you're there
or whether you're not
I really don't care


  *sad smile* You know what.... I do care.. I really do... at times I do get all feeling less but I still care. My path is full of darkness and I need your hand, i need you to take me where i can see the lights again. I'm scared... I don't know of what but I just am... Just stay by my side don't leave me alone in this dark tunnel of life. P L E A S E.... *tears*

  You know this is all because I care, more than I should. If I hadn't then maybe things would have been different. But I don't regret it. I'll keep on caring no matter what Insha'Allah

 I don't know what I've written. Its not a poem Its not prose. it's nothing, just the extreme randomness of my mind. I've said without knowing what I'm saying. I'm not aware of the mistakes though I'm sure you will find many.


Indifferent to the world
Regardless of happenings
I live
yet I'm not living
but only finishing
the life assigned to me

If this is what living is like
I'd wish for no one to ever have to live
And if this is dying
I'll hope no one dies this way either
if I had my way I wouldn't have been here at all
But some where else
nearer to God.

A place where people don't get hurt
Where one does not feel pain
The pain of remorse
the willing to change,
undo what is done
and yet find himself
helpless,bound by unseen chains

How I wish
things to have been some other way
oh how I wish
to havn't been the reason for all this pain
mine and yours
and God knows who else...
But all my wishing is in vain
I cant change a single thing
You might think I don't want to
but thats not true
I just CAN'T

I'm no longer a part of this person you see
I am like a stranger
seeing things from somewhere around
rather then looking from these eyes
I'm looking from somewhere beyond.
And not even looking at what you apparently
think I'm looking at
but at something else
which neither you nor I can see
I'm no longer inside myself
I'm lost
Gone
somewhere from where there is no hope to return
So don't wait cause I'm gone

fallen into an eternal sleep

M&M gave me this idea to write about how I became friends with her. So now I'm thinking of sharing this disaster with you guys :P

  Here is where it begins. I was new in school. The first memory I have of M&M is when we were in 4th grade I think. We were having our maths paper and she was sitting with me and she helped me :P She used to give me motia flowers sometimes:-) ......

   I really liked her but was shy so we never talked much. in 6th or 7th  grade we sat together for a few days and since my Urdu wasn't good and my Urdu hand writing was even worse, I remember she would have me write the whole alphabets again and again. She has a big hand in improving my Urdu writing :P thnx :)

   Time passed and we started 8th grade. She sat right behind me, I wanted to sit with her but some other friend of her's took the seat next to her. Sigh... But then guess what!! One day they had a fight and M&M asked me to exchange seats with this friend of her's . Man was I happy!!!!!!! :-) :-) :-) So this was the beginning of our friendship.

   She was really caring towards me and I was still shy around her but we became good friends. We would talk all day long. The teachers got sick of us. LOL :-D But that didn't make us stop. We were known as " Laila Majnoon" in school :D God I had forgotten this. It was fun.

   Now I'm getting things mixed up cause there is so much to write!! I think I'll have to do this in parts Lol. :-P
Recalling these memories is too much for me. God!!! Okay I think I should take it easy. Just the beginning is enough for one day. For more details wait for my next post :-P

  Till then, take care :-)

  What should I write today? There isn't anything special. It was the same as usual. House chores, getting bored and yeah playing with the cute animals down there. Thinking about mehndi.. but I'm not feeling excited. I guess I'll just apply it on my sis and cousin's hand not my own.

   I have to go tomorrow to my nani's. Hope it's fun :-). I really don't know what to say. I was thinking of making a podcast but maybe some other time. Well I guess that's all. Allah hafiz :-)

   I haven't been writing regularly. Sorry for that but errr.. I dunno :-P I'll try to be regular :-) Today was sooO boring really I haven't been this bored in the past few centuries I think :-D I was mostly on the net doing noting and just sitting and did some house chores.

   Dad and uncle had gone to the mandi and now a big fat bull is waiting to be fed. I wasn't really interested in seeing it but then I when I did I fell in love with it's eyes, Lol !!! I got so transfixed that I forgot I had to go back upstairs and as I result I got locked down :-D Then later when mum realized I wasn't in the house she sent sis and so I came back up.

  I was just looking from the window right now at my lonely bull and you know what I'm feeling sad for it. I want to go down and give it company I don't want it to be sad but mum isn't letting me go cause its late now. You know his eyes were so sad.... :-( and now I'm feeling sad. I wanna go hug it and bring a spark of happiness in those eyes.. am I sounding crazy? I think I am.. but then how else will a person like me sound :-D

   Ok I'm going now. Cheer up my dear bull. I'll come as soon as i can :-) Till then take care. Love.

 



    I have been wanting to write this post since two days but... but I don't know what :P Anyways I'm writing now so.. :-P

   It was Wednesday, a big day for me and M&M. We had been planning it for days and yet were scared.. what if things didn't go the way we planned?? But we needn't worry cause everything went great! :-) We had made this poster saying " YOU ARE REALLY SPECIAL". After finding a nice place we tapped it to a tree and people were staring at us like we were crazy :-P that was a bit embarrassing but it was worth it!! When Winsome came she was so happy or should I say beyond herself :-D. She didn't know M&M would be there and it was a huge surprise for her, very shocking. We were all in fits of laughter , it was such a good day. We sat on the grass and talked then we attended a seminar but slipped out mid way through :-P We ate a lot too:-D It was really fun!! And yeah Winsome gave me a gift too :-) everything i like :-D


   Then it was time to go. M&M came home with me and stayed till 5:30 or something. Though we were really tired we still talked. It was the best day I've had in a long time. Thanks to Allah that our plan was successful :-) Hope to have another such day soon Insha'Allah.

   I haven't been able to do justice to the memory of that day but... Whatever :-P

   *SMILES*   :-)

Down come the leaves
leaving the trees bare,
covering the ground
with a blanket of colors;
rusted and fading
like life itself...

Leaving memories of what was,
or a yearning
of what might have been.

And I walk on the leaves
with rustles all around,
remembering what lies beneath;
hidden now from the eye
but still in the heart
green...

I crumple the leaves
trying in vain to grasp beneath.
But what i see is just a grave
and all in it is no longer
within my reach..

And I sigh
for that is all I can do...
and I travel again
on the rusting road
in hope to find
the colors of life...

   I had a good start today and I was really feeling high :-) But can't this feeling ever last? Do I have to be in despair as the day comes to an end?? Why?? I just can't understand, I'm trying so hard not to let this get to me but... *sigh*

   I'm sighing all the time now. And right now I'm hating everything... everyone... no one cares... but of course everyone has a world of their own. I don't own them, then what right do I have to object?? None right!!! I know I know.... Okay I'm sorry.....

  Not angry at anyone but just myself....

  I haven't been writing for a few days... I just couldn't bring myself to say anything though there was so much to say.. but... This "but" makes all the difference in the world...

  I was just browsing the net when I came across a quote.